Blessing~ 1991-2008
About Being A Multiple Personality
“How to answer a meme as a Multiple Personality” posted on April 30th, 2008.
Welcome to the house of healing and love. This blog has become much more than simply my space to express myself. It has become a focal point for positive energy and the place where I have found the voice inside me that was silenced in childhood. Today I am silent no more and my voice will be heard. That voice speaks in poems and stories that are raw and real and have taken me places I have never been. That voice speaks out for injustice. That voice speaks in love to those who are hurting.
I am very grateful to my wife Diane and I have been blessed to be married for 20 years to my best friend and soul mate. She is truly part of me and the best life partner I could ever have hoped for.
I started reading blogs to discover as much as possible, but also as an escape from this sometimes insane world. The many friends I have made here on my blogs have opened my heart and now my soul to the wonderful miracle that is life. When I began blogging in February 2006 I had no idea of the other personalities hiding inside this body. Because of all of you and your love and support, on Nov. 18th, 2006, I realized that the people and voices that have been a part of my life for a long time, were in fact real. What follows is our story.
Thank you blogworld. (MY MOTTO~ONE BREATH~ONE DAY AT A TIME)
I am Rose Dewy Knickers and I am a multiple personality. When I came forward in June of 2006 and demanded a blog of my own, Brian didn’t understand that I was real. The funny thing is, that many of my early readers knew I was real right away, but also saw that Brian didn’t. I want you all to know that I love Brian and he has the kindest and gentlest soul that you could ever touch. He doesn’t trust men because of the abuse in his childhood that created all of us and since he is 44 years old and only know learning how to live with others… well, it would shatter most people, but not Brian. I wish you could know him as I know him. Brian has a core of steel and a sense of right and wrong that is breathtaking. He is very proud of me and what I have accomplished. It is truly an honor to call this man my friend and although I want to live and be engaged in life; I can’t have my own body and that is something that we just need to accept. We will all understand if some of you have to leave us. This is not what any of us wanted to happen, we prefer to live in darkness and fear but we won’t go back now. We can’t. If you can, if all of you can, please love us for who we are; and if you can’t, then please go away and let us be who we need to be in peace.
Rose
xo
Thank you Rose for your Essence. 1/18/2008. For all of you that have never read Rose’s blog you are missing out. She is a better writer than I am and will have published books by next year.
A discussion of Persona versus Personality, 1/26/2008.
So who am I? I am Brian. A Dom and someone who works and writes and does all the things that a *normal* person does. He is very strong and the person who takes care of all of us. He is the person that you all sense when you read his words. He is the healer, the lover, the talker, the artist. He became so strong because when he started forming himself, he took on more and more roles in order to survive the outside world. Only the strongest of the others were left and that is fine and good. As you can see, I don’t always write my *own words*.
There is also Little Brian, who is that 6-8 year old boy that wants to feel safe. He likes to read and play and just be a kid. He loves animals and trains and toys of all kinds. He is also the keeper of the memories and a fierce guardian of the door.
Then there is Pit Bull, who is our protector. He is not a dog, that is just how Little Brian perceives him. I have always seen him as a strong, silent, martial arts bodyguard. He is the person that kept me safe all these years. Who steered me clear of danger and kept me from getting too close to people.
Sable came forward after I realized we were multiples in Nov. 2006. He is very angry and caused the body to be very ill for months. He is 11-12 years old and is struggling with being here. He doesn’t want to exist and thus broods constantly.
There is also a young man, Bernard, who is a sub looking for a strong woman. He is the person that could have become the strongest personality, but we were not aware of that possibility because no woman ever wanted him for who he was. He is the photographer, the chef, the musician, the lover of fine clothes and food and travel. He is the primary other of my middle childhood and teenage years.
Instead of becoming Bernard, what happened is, that when Brian moved away from home, the Dom had to come to the front because that was the only person who could cope with all the changes in our lives and was strong enough to survive. He didn’t want to, because the Dom is based on our father, the abuser; but what happened is all of us guided him and protected him and made sure that he had a chance to grow into the man that you all know and love. He then met Diane and sealed the fact that the Dom would become the *lead* multiple. The rest of us understood the struggle that took place and have been working hard for the last 25 years protecting Brian and now that he finally knows the truth, we will still be there for him whenever and however he needs us. All of us *others* are very, very proud of Brian and will protect him and nurture him. We are very strong together and all trust each other to do what is right.
Read this post from December 8th, 2006, call it, the fight back against the Trolls. They attacked, we fought back. We are multiples, we are six, yet we are one.
This next post, “Feeding Frenzy”, is a group play we did together on December 15th, 2006. Don’t mess with my others. 
October 30, 2006 at 10:15 pm
(((HUGS!!)))
November 1, 2006 at 6:57 am
November 5, 2006 at 6:10 pm
I wish I could be as free and loving as you my friend,
hugs-bd
November 23, 2006 at 11:14 am
Blogging is the best thing going as far as I’m concerned. It has been great therapy. I had to change my URL because I was getting some harassment from churchy people who don’t like my views on religion, but overall, it’s been a very positive experience for me too. :o)
November 24, 2006 at 3:42 am
I LOVE YOU ALL
lotsa luv hugs & xxxxxxxx’s ann
November 28, 2006 at 2:10 pm
(I found you through Ree’s blog)
I salute your bravery and wish for your continued healing.
December 1, 2006 at 9:27 am
Now some things are starting to make sense to me. Why blogging would be so important for you! What a gift it must be.
My mind is filled with all kinds of inappropriate questions. I’ll be back- not out of curiousity, but respect. I believe reading leads to understanding ,which does away with prejudice. So your blogging is probably important for all of us.
December 8, 2006 at 4:28 pm
I love what you’ve done with the place! Dewy is not only hot, she’s quite the little decorator! *wink*.
I love you honey.
Pixie
OUT.
January 1, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Thank you for your (honesty)
The (truth) sets us free
Love paves (the way) for the truth
The way are all (the roads) in life we travel
Traveling is (learning)
Learning is just plain (awesome)
You are incredibly awesome!
All of you
January 6, 2007 at 7:41 pm
I guess I’ve been introduced.
A little family…….
January 7, 2007 at 12:34 am
(((All who reside within Brian and Brian)))
March 1, 2007 at 11:03 am
(!) S’ok–I think I’m alright. No, thanks, I can get up–here, just let me dust myself off … You’re OK, I’m OK! (just a little dizzy).
March 28, 2007 at 6:40 am
You already know this from other posts, but I could not read this post and slip away silent.
(((((Hugs)))) around all of you and your wife
March 31, 2007 at 7:59 pm
THAT is a very cool post.
Congrats to all of you for finding yourselves and having the courage to show yourselves!
December 2, 2007 at 11:49 am
I am looking forward to reading more from Rose, and getting to know Sable also! Little Brian?? I happen to be a pretty cool Mum to boys his age! I’ll keep my eye out for him!
December 19, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Sable has to be the coolest name I have herad in a while.
December 30, 2007 at 11:02 am
I left this comment today at another blog. I think it sums up what I feel.
I can only speak from my viewpoint here. Trust can’t be created externally. What I mean by that, it that many times someone who has been abused becomes numb to reality. Either they believe that everyone is a potential abuser, therefore they can never trust fully, or, they actively seek out more abuse to feed their need to be punished.
A child who has been abused in any way, is more vulnerable in the future. No matter what help you offer, there is always mistrust on the child’s part. In this case, actions can speak louder than words, and by showing respect of the child’s boundaries and most importantly, patience, you will earn a measure of trust.
Here’s a question. When do you know that a child trusts you? When that child volunteers information about the abuse they suffered. What should you say? “It wasn’t your fault.” Let them tell their story at their own pace and don’t interrogate them. Repeat over and over again that “It wasn’t your fault.” Only accept physical contact after asking the child if they want a safe hug. Everyone needs human contact, especially an abused child, but keep in mind, this is a test! The child is testing you and will push you. This is a self-defense mechanism and one that lasts a lifetime.
You are the adult and must help rebuild the healthy distance that normally exists between children and adults. Being solitary is a means of healing and even when appearing to be interacting with you, many times this is at the very least, a mask or character, if not a full fledged other. It is not a ‘mentality of mistrust’ so much as a means of survival. That survival is unique to each and everyone.
December 30, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Wow, Brian et al, this has been an eye-opener. Thanks for the encompassing welcome into a new realm for me. Although solitary, you are not alone, and your wife Diane seems a great blessing.
I’m sorry for what must’ve been a very painful time with trolls. It seems you all came through stronger. I hope to come back and poke around some another time. Thanks for reprinting your comment, it may be seed for another post some day. I will pray for God’s warmth on your face today. Diane’s, too.
January 26, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Ah, very interesting. I personally have been aware of having DID (or a multiple personality disorder) for a very long time; I have always had strong conscious awareness of two of my alters, though five more have come out in therapy whose thoughts and reactions I can easily identify, but whom I had not realized I’d personified, until I started talking about them.
I don’t write on my blog specifically about having DID, because it is so commonly misunderstood/sensationalized, though I have written quite a bit about being treated for what I’ve referred to as a highly complex dissociative trauma disorder (which is, of course, what DID is).
Therapy, for me, has been very interesting … on the one hand, it would enrich my life immensely to have full access to my entire personality all the time. On the other hand, I am beguiled by the complexity of my inner world, and I think that if I ever became fully integrated, I would have a deep sense of loss. My therapist tells me that full integration isn’t necessarily desirable; I hope she’s right. I’d be lonely without everyone else around.
March 2, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Wow, I had no idea you were multiple. I am one too. But unlike you I was diagnosed twenty years ago. I am done with my therapy but still am multiple. I worked things through to the point my old programming was no longer affecting my life so now I can live it everyday instead of hiding away afraid of what might happen to me. You have been to my horse blog. But I have a multiple blog as well. The link I left this time is to that one.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story.
May 16, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Oh goodness Brian, I apologize if I offended you with my comment! Quirky to me is a good thing, but now that I read this I realize you may not have taken it as such. I don’t know how I missed all this - thank you for pointing out the top of your blog. I still like you very much - I meant that.
in light and love,
tex